It’s my birthday today and this one hits so much differently than any others before it.
This past year has hands-down been one of the hardest years of my life. I got a divorce over a year ago after 16 years of marriage and it put me in some dark places I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It truly is like mourning a death and you have your good & bad days.
I put in sooo much effort to make my life look a certain way to others. I created what I thought people wanted to see on the outside. I felt so much pressure to portray a certain image to defy ignorance and racism. I showed what I thought people needed from my family, but I was hurting for so many years inside, and only sharing the truth with a few friends and family members.
The older I got, I was sick of being secretive, hiding pain, and being inauthentic. I no longer cared how I was viewed. I no longer cared about disappointing others, I was disappointing myself.
I have felt invisible in my life since I was a teenager and I was tired of it. My whole existence was about pleasing people and making them happy with me and I believed it made me a good person and even a “better Christian” to sacrifice continuously.
I thought it was righteous to put myself at the bottom of the list or not on it at all.
But in all the dark, I also found light. I found courage to stand up for myself, to enforce boundaries, and to fight my own demons. I told the truth to friends and loved ones. I let go of superficial relationships that only worked if I checked their boxes.
I found courage to learn what I like apart from others, to stand alone, to provide for myself and my kids. I got to know me and start to like me.
I learned about the faithfulness of God on a different level.
At almost 40, I’ve been more empowered than ever before to live the life I want to live and I’ve been more fulfilled than ever before.
I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of the friend I am. I’m proud of the mom I am. I’m proud of the sister and daughter I am. I’m proud of my work ethic. I’m proud of my ability to continuing to work on myself and grow. I’m proud of my ability to forgive. Im proud of my journey to healing.
Here’s to a year of growth, authenticity, and becoming the best version of myself. Here’s to hope for the future.
If you’re stuck somewhere like I was, putting yourself on the bottom of the list and silently suffering in inauthenticity, just know: if I can do it, you can do it too.
So much love~ Hava