Why women choose loneliness over real friendship: Embracing our calling

As I get older, I experience more women with major walls up. I even have my own walls I have developed over the years.

When I was in high school friendships were easy. I would tell my girlfriends everything and bonds seemed to grow deep rather quickly. It feels like this slowly changes the more you are exposed to hurts and fears through life.

The older I get, I realize those hurts and fears become barriers I carry around. It seems “safe” to put everyone at arms length and not develop “real” relationship with anyone. The enemy constantly feeds us these types of lies so we will walk alone in this life.

One lie is feeling the need to carry our own burdens.

Instead of sharing the real pains and struggles we experience, we often walk around with the facade of perfection. Meanwhile we yearn for a true, deep friendship with another women.

Recently, I asked a group women if they had a close girlfriend they could honestly share with when they are going through a very hard time in their lives. Most of them, about 95% said “No”. From the outside, looking at each one of their lives, you would think they have many great friendships. These women had various reasons for why they don’t have more meaningful friendships. Most of their reasoning was centered on Fear.
Fear of being judged. Fear of being hurt. Fear of loosing the friendship. Fear of gossip. Fear.

Almost everyone resorted to their husbands for friendship primarily. I totally get this as I have been like that with mine many times. He truly is my best friend. However, we can use them as a substitute for good friendships with other women when they are not meant to be. They cannot relate to women’s issues the same as another woman. We shouldn’t force our husbands to carry that role. It’s not in their genes. They were not meant to be like women. That is fine.

That is why God has blessed us with other women. On this earth, we have other women to build friendships with, relate to, pray with, and rejoice with.

God has made us woman incredibly relational. It is just how we are. From young ages to old, introverts and extroverts, we crave connection with other people. That is how God uses us to spread the gospel, to speak and encourage others and to be light in this world. If we deny that, we deny part of our purpose here on Earth.

Some of my favorite quotes by Shauna Niequist, who constantly writes about pursuing real friendship are:

“When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life.”

“Friendship is an opportunity to act on God’s behalf in the lives of the people who we’re close to, reminding each other who God is.”

I am an extrovert and have definitely had many great friendships in this life. I’ve also had some very painful friendships. In these times, I tore down every wall and was fully vulnerable and still walked away hurt or lost the friendship. Many times God brought reconciliation in His timing, but these type of experiences form the walls I’m tempted to put up against others.

I know God does not want that for me, so I have to mentally and physically push myself to be open to pursue friendship in a deeper manner. I now find myself praying differently. I pray that God would guide me in friendship. I pray that He would allow me to let go of the fear of judgement, fear of being hurt, fear of the friendship not lasting, or even fear that they don’t view me the same way I view them.

It is still very much a process for me, but there are a few women (let’s be real…you can’t go “there” with everyone, nor is that wise) I am going past the surface with. We ask each other “real” questions. We share our real pains and struggles. We rejoice with each others successes in life. We share about our pasts and how we were brought up. We share our fears and our joys. This is real friendship. It is still very scary for me. At the same time, I’m pushing to not be in bondage, choosing loneliness in this life. Instead, I am getting to know people on a real level.

Once I turned 30, I just didn’t have the patience anymore for the superficial. I wanted to take off my mask, and I wanted to be close with others who can do the same. It’s refreshing and freeing. If other women aren’t willing to do that, I’m no longer offended. I just realize that is as far as I can go with them and we probably won’t have that deep bond that comes from sharing our “truths” with each other. This is O.K. Everyone doesn’t need to be there with us. But I do encourage women to pursue a friend or two, having a real genuine connection. Our vulnerability makes someone else feel it’s “safe” to share their vulnerability also.

Christ wants us to walk with each other in this life. We live in a world of sin. We have a real enemy and are all attacked daily. That is why we are encouraged to carry each others burdens. However, no one can carry your burdens if you don’t share them.

I have decided to trust God, above trusting people.

People will fail you every time, but He will not. Any friendship I have, I pray about. I trust Him that He will guide me and show me what friendships to pursue. I trust Him that He will show me when it may be time to back off or stop pushing for that type of relationship with an individual. I trust that He will guide me on what to share in my friendships.

I don’t have to worry about all the “what if’s” when I give Him every relationship I have. I can tell Him my fears and concerns and rest in knowing He will take care of me. Change happened when I realized I am not a victim, I choose how lonely I want to be in this life. I can choose to make effort in friendship to communicate or hang out with people, to ask those beyond the surface questions or I can keep everything surface and go through life alone.

So, friends please don’t choose perfection and loneliness. Choose to Trust God, to share your truth, your highs and your lows and reap the amazing blessing of a real friendship with another individual. Someone is just waiting for you to take the first step. It truly is your choice how you want to live this life.

Be the kind of friend you are hoping for.