The Biggest Decision I Made When I Turned 40

I knew that turning 40 needed to be a life changing event for me.

I knew some of my behaviors were childish, unhealthy, immature and I had a really bad pattern of allowing toxic relationships in my life. Therapy helped me realize that and I was ready to put a stop to it and choose a healthier life in all aspects.

I wanted to understand and put a stop to these patterns and live a happier life that was less focused on the approval of others.

I still wanted to love people well and put intention into that, but I knew it was time to put a stop to playing the martyr and allowing so many unbalanced relationships in my life. 

I’ve been around many friends who have turned 40 in the last few years and I’ve seen some take it as a fresh, empowering start while others continued the patterns they had as young adults.

I wanted this birthday to be a line in the sand to make the hard decisions to do better and life had a way of giving me a boost to start that process through various heart breaks, disappointments and seeing the true colors of those I held to a higher standard.

In the last few years, I’ve felt God pulling at my heart strings and challenging me to make some serious changes in my life, but some things I wasn’t ready to let go of and change within myself and within my circles and I knew it was time. Patterns are hard to break and sometimes the things that cause us pain can even be addicting when that is all we know. 

Therapy helped me discover why I was attracting people who would hurt me and leave me broken and the part I was playing in it as well.

I knew it would be SUPER HARD but I was ready to change for my own personal growth and to elevate my life to another level and I knew that was going to take some hard choices and so I made ONE major decision that has already changed EVERYTHING:

I STOPPED BEGGING PEOPLE TO DO RIGHT BY ME.

TO CONSIDER ME.

TO TREAT ME WITH RESPECT. TO DO ME HOW I WOULD DO THEM.

TO BE KIND & LOVING AND THOUGHTFUL TO ME. 

TO STOP SPENDING SO MUCH ENERGY CONVINCING PEOPLE TO VALUE ME AND TO TREAT ME WITH THE LOVE I’VE GIVEN THEM.

I STOPPED BREAKING MY OWN HEART BY ENGAGING IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT CONSTANTLY HURT AND DISAPPOINT ME & DIDN’T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT MY FEELINGS TO  SHOW CARE IN ACTION. 

I STARTED POURING THAT ENERGY INTO MY HEALTHY, BALANCED RELATIONSHIPS AND BACK INTO MYSELF, FINALLY PUTTING MY NEEDS AND CARE ABOVE MAKING OTHERS HAPPY AND FOCUSING ON THEIR JOY AND WHAT THEY NEEDED FROM ME. 

Now… hear me out when I say this…..

I am a lover and giver to the 100th degree. If you are into astrology, I’m a Leo all day- the most generous sign but that has kicked me in the butt and caused lots of resentment to those I’ve let inside my inner circle. I’ve learned the balance in painful ways of still showing up for others without abandoning myself and my needs. Realizing most people will never do that for you in return. It was my own fault for putting them above myself, but I’ve always wanted to love people really WELL! 

Lots of that comes from my faith and believing Jesus put us on this earth to spread HIS love and my hope when I am gone is that I impacted people in a positive way, gave them meaningful experiences and memories, showed up for them in a sacrificial way even when it wasn’t convenient.

I don’t believe our lives are just about ourselves or our own happiness, but also adding love and happiness to the lives around us and showing up well for others.

However, I have done that to my own demise which has caused outstanding hurt, resentment and even anger. Anger at others but even anger at myself for a lack of boundaries and giving to those who will always chose themselves over being there for me. 

I pride myself on being consistent, affirming, loving and thoughtful and this is not to boast about myself, it’s just making you aware of my character and the values I push and sacrifice constantly to uphold.

In romantic relationships and in friendships, I practice consistency and make sure those I love feel important, cared for and loved in not just words but by continuous ACTION. I tend to hope for that in return, but the people I have chosen in those roles at times are ones not capable of loving past themselves. Which is a pattern from my trauma and trying to change people that are broken and lean towards selfish behaviors versus pouring my gifts, finances, and time into those who would reciprocate in a healthy way. 

Let me be clear, I have been growing in this over the years and have some amazing friendships in my life!

Best friends that people could only hope for.

They are mutual, loving, intentional , consistent no matter what we go through in life, and caring on both sides.

But, I have still struggled with attracting people that take advantage of my kindness and giving nature and use it for their benefit and then I’m left out to dry when needing it back and when it matters most.

I have spent so much of my life having conversations or sending paragraphs to explain my feelings, why I’m hurt and hoping someone will treat me better due to hearing my heart, hoping that vulnerability will help them see the impact of their actions or lack of reciprocation for me and that change would take place to move in a healthier direction.

It does nothing.

It just leaves me drained and more hurt from the lack of change of behavior and more resentful.

So I made a pact to myself to STOP.

This blog is a form of accountability, while hoping it encourages those of you living this way to look inside, set up boundaries and hopefully pick more life-giving relationships to nuture and give your energy to. 

Accepting someones behaviors without pleading for them to do better as a friend or romantically and MOVING ACCORDINGLY has been one of the most powerful things I’ve done and the hardest.

Why this has been the most peaceful decision I’ve made is because it has freed me from the outcome and holding onto hope they would change for the better.

I now accept that people come and go and there are friendships and romantic relationships that will value me, will reciprocate, will show up for me well and I need to be more SELECTIVE on who I am pouring myself into as well.

I no longer will fight for people to show up for me.

I just ACCEPT that they are not and will not and let things fizzle out or walk away when necessary. 

My energy and the people I pour into needs to be rooted in WISDOM not just in EMPATHY. 

Letting people show you who they REALLY are, not who you WANTED them to be and then making choices from that perspective is one of the most empowering decisions I’ve made and will continue to make.

So friends, I encourage you to pour into places and people where you are valued, where it’s mutually reciprocated and healthy.

Because at 40, I realized anything else is a waste of my time, effort and the gifts God has given me.