The Biggest Lessons I've Learned from Therapy this Year

I’ve been a BIG advocate for therapy for years and have gone consistently for the last 3 years and it has been LIFE CHANGING!!

I also realize everyone cannot afford therapy and it is a luxury (and shouldn’t be), but I wish it was free for everyone and that is why I wanted to share the biggest lessons I’ve learned from therapy this year as it has been a very pivotal year for my mental health, personal growth and clarity in my life.

By the age of 30, I feel like everyone has experienced some form of trauma. Whether that is from your childhood, relationships, self image, money or any other factors and I have found that therapy is an instrumental way to find freedom and understanding about those traumas while learning how they show up in every day life while breaking free from any negative habits that have accumulated over the years to become the absolute BEST and HEALED version of one’s self.

This past year I have gone through some really tough situations with friendships, romantic relationships, my self image, my value system and handling finances and I have learned some really life-changing lessons from weekly therapy sessions that I hope will impact and empower you while sharing some vulnerable situations I’ve struggled with.

I Didn’t know Who I was Outside of What I Do for People and the Role I Play in their Lives.

Whew!!! This has been a journey over the past few years, but my identity has always been in the roles that I carry and the amount that I SACRIFICE for others. This made it even more challenging to get divorced and leave 16 years of marriage, 3 years ago because I was consumed by peoples perception of me and didn’t know how to find a sense of self outside of that role.

My entire identity was in being a mom, wife and a loyal friend and I put all my effort into how people viewed me, how people needed my help and living in a sacrificial way where “Hava” didn’t really exist. I thought that as a Christian this was admirable, but learned that God had given me amazing gifts & talents that needed to be celebrated too.

I learned how to find my own hobbies, how to enjoy my own company, how to say “No” to things I didn’t want to do, to figure out my likes and dislikes in every area of my life and to let go of this “perfect bubble”” of how I was viewed by becoming authentically who I am in every way.

At 40 years old, it was shocking to see how much of my identity was shaped around others and never learned what I truly liked about myself.

This growth has created a deeper level of confidence as I’ve learned to stand behind the value I bring to others lives and not give that away so easily. It has helped me recognize & celebrate my uniqueness and remain in spaces that celebrate that as well, while walking away from spaces that do not.

My mental health has majorly improved due to my self worth no longer being based on how busy I am, how many friends I have, or how much I did in each day but being alone has empowered me to really enjoy and celebrate how God has made me like never before.

I’ve finally learned and accepted that I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH without any of those titles, but being a mom, business owner, friend, sister, daughter and girlfriend are all just added pluses not the basis of my existence any longer.

I Have had a Pattern of Attracting 1- Sided, Highly Unhealthy Relationships that End Up Treating me Poorly and Learning Why.

This has been a MAJOR epiphany that took lots of lessons this year!!

Now I need to start with this disclaimer- this has NOT been everyone in my life. As I have learned more about myself in therapy, I have made healthy choices for friendships and romantic relationships over the years. I have some SUPER healthy best friends that have always treated me well and do not fall in this category at all!

I’ve had some great dating experiences where I was treated with the utmost respect and also did not fit into this, but I had still found myself letting some people get really close to me that still fit these definitions and have in return been left hurt & disrespected. The frustration is that I knew from the jump (due to warnings from others) that I should have never let these people into my inner circle as a boyfriend or close friend of some kind.

So, to understand me better – I am an empath, an enneagram 2, a Leo horoscope and all of that means we LOVE TO GIVE.

We LOVE to help.

We LOVE to find ways to make the lives of others around us better, but we struggle with doing that with the wrong people.

I have found myself pouring myself into people who would never do the same for me and when push comes to shove, they showed their true colors aligned exactly with the warnings of others. They were a horrible friend in the end to me or an unhealthy romantic partner.

Through therapy, I realized that the characteristics of these friendships and romantic relationships contained sooo many similarities, that my therapist shared that when talking about various relationships over the past year, she couldn’t tell if I was talking about a guy I was dating or a close girlfriend because of the pattern I have continued of choosing to pour into highly insecure personalities that use me and take advantage of my giving nature, until they switch up due to fear and various other issues and treat me how I would never treat them.

This has lead to heartbreak and frustration at myself for looking back at what I endured while knowing these relationships were incredibly toxic, 1-way, fully focused on their happiness and needs, while held zero accountability for their actions or how they were truly treating me when confronted.

I learned so much about the coping patterns of others as I shared with my therapist the individuals’ pasts and this pushed me towards healing in releasing my anger and resentment, while still having the power to continue to create space and distance myself from them based on their actions.

This created great times of loneliness, where I had to dig deep into what characteristics I should be looking for in friends, in romantic partners and the realization that those people didn’t align with my values.

Therapy helped me re-center what healthy qualities look like and acknowledge how off base I was due to my own trauma, immature coping, and dodging loneliness. It pushed me to start surrounding myself with more healthier relationships that I can pour my energy, gifts and love into where it is reciprocated, appreciated and respected.

I can truly say at this point in my life- while still processing through the hurt of not having those people in my life and choosing growth over time invested that I have the healthiest and happiest relationships I’ve ever had in my life in every realm.

The power of manifestation along with prayer.

Since I was young, I realized the power of prayer and the power of the words that come out of my mouth through Bible studies and my personal journey with Christ.

I’ve seen shocking miracles.

I’ve seen situations completely changed for the better.

I know that prayer works, but many times I’ve found I pray more when I’m down or in desperate need vs. when things are good and thriving in my life. Praying and staying connected in my faith daily has made a huge difference in gaining wisdom in relationships, financial success, parenting, my mental health and the list goes on.

Manifestation is something new I have added in my life recently, which at it’s simplest level is just speaking out loud what you are hoping for and wanting to attract. The Bible talks a lot about the power of our words, but I didn’t see manifestation as that until recently.

In the past 6 months or so- I have manifested some amazing things by just saying a few sentences in the beginning of each day on what I am attracting. Especially in the last 3 months or so, I have seen made them very specific and I am shocked by how I have seen them come to life!

Here is a vulnerable look into some of my manifestations that I’ve seen come true:

I am attracting healthy, life-giving friendships that pour into me as I pour into them. That are reliable, consistent and uplifting.
I am attracting a romantic relationship where he is over 6 ft tall, makes 6 figures, same faith, is an active dad, owns a home, owns a car and is focused on growth emotionally, mentally and professionally. He is loving, respectful and kind.
I am attracting a healthy lifestyle where I drink less, eat healthier, and exercise a few times a week.
I am attracting the wisdom to be the best mom I can be to each kid, to connect to them individually and have eyes to see what they need from me.
I am attracting a thriving business with a continuous increase in followers and a yearly income of “XXX” dollars.

I hope that these lessons from therapy will help you become the best version of yourself, let go of toxic relationships you no longer need to be fighting for, heal some trauma and manifest the life you hope to lead!